A simple way to keep your marriage fresh and strong

What makes love last? Is it possible to keep a relationship strong and vibrant over the long term or are we destined to live out our days in boredom and annoyance after the honeymoon is over?

That is a million-dollar question and researchers have been asking the same question for a very long time.
The beginning of a romantic relationship is often marked by high levels of passion, joy, attraction, excitement, and novelty. We find everything very exciting.
With time, however, these feelings and experiences become less intense, rendering the relationship a great deal less exciting.
This does not only happen in marriage and relationships but in all aspects of our lives.
Let us take the example of travel:
When we travel by air for the very first time, we are impressed if they give us earphones and a drink. It feels luxurious to sit in our seat with the stewardess coming around to check if we need anything and if our seat belts are tied.

After the first few rounds, however, we start eyeing business class. It seems so much more comfortable and luxurious. If we are lucky enough to enjoy business class travel, it feels indulgent at first . . . until we get used to it and then we start dreaming of the joys of first class . . .
Why does this happen?
Are we just really spoilt and entitled human beings or is there more to it?
Psychologists and scientists explain that getting used to the good things (and actually the not so good things) is natural and it is because of a process called Hedonic Adaptation.
Hedonic adaptation simply means that when a good (or bad) thing happens in our lives, it will make us happy or sad for a short amount of time, after which we will return to our normal state of happiness or misery.
This natural tendency of human beings leads us to switch off to the value of the good things in our lives. We fail to appreciate the full value of our health, of the people we love, of our peace, freedom and prosperity, and the very fact that we are alive at all. Our attention only turns to these things when something goes wrong. We learn the value of these things when they’re taken away from us–for example, we begin to appreciate the value of health when we become seriously ill or lose some functionality.

Using the travel example again, Hedonic Adaption means that we begin to take business class travel for granted – until we are bumped off business class on a flight and have to travel coach!
What does this mean for our relationships?
For our marriage relationships, this means that the “honeymoon period” will last for a short time and boredom or dissatisfaction will set in. We sometimes talk about it in a way that “love has faded” or that we have “fallen out of love”.
When we first fall in love we notice and appreciate all the good things that our spouse brings to the relationship. We appreciate that they bring us our first cup of coffee or tea. In time, we begin to take that morning ritual for granted – unless the tea is cold or there is not enough sugar.
What happened? We have start taking each other for granted. We have the “take for granted syndrome”. We begin to expect the good things and take them for granted. We only focus when something is not right.
While this may be the natural progression of a relationship it certainly does not bring us happiness. Maybe this is why there are sooo many jokes about and against marriage. It is almost as people expect to live in misery for the rest of their lives!
This sounds like really bad news, right?

The good news is that this course of events is not inevitable. There are many couples who manage to remain in love and happy over long term so there are ways to counteract this tendency and make sure that the relationship remains happy and satisfying.

Let’s explore one important way to maintain a happy relationship.

This simple practice is so powerful that I often refer to it as the 60 second technique to transform a relationship.

And this technique is the practice of appreciation

What is appreciation?

Appreciation means the recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something.
Appreciation means to pay attention to something and have a positive feeling associated with that attention.
For example,
I appreciate that you are reading this post. (Makes me feel that my efforts are worth it)
I appreciate that friends take the time to answer my texts or calls. (It makes me feel supported)
I appreciate the time that you take to give me feedback. (It makes me feel valued)
I appreciate that my husband comes home in time for dinner. (It makes me feel connected)
And so on . . .
Why does appreciation work?
When we focus our attention to something that is going right in our lives, it allows us to continue to experience that positive thing and the events and emotions that accompany it. It other words, when I appreciate something, I delay the process of Hedonic Adaptation.
Science now recognizes that when we continue to practice appreciation of the things in our lives it can keep things new and fresh and manage increased expectations and feelings of entitlement.
So it turns out that in appreciating our spouses we benefit ourselves. On the other hand, when a person no longer attends to and appreciates his partner, he will essentially stop garnering any positivity or benefiting from having a partner, which is the very definition of adaptation. This is how boredom and taking for granted syndrome sets in and the relationship deteriorates.
Appreciating others is of course very important for the person on the receiving end of the appreciation as well. In order to keep doing our best, human beings need to know that our efforts matter and are appreciated. Even at work, research shows that appreciation or lack of it in an organization is a major predictor whether or not people will stay in the job. When people leave jobs and they are interviewed, they cite lack of appreciation or value for their work as a major reason for quitting. Similarly, in families, when family members feel appreciated, they are much more likely to keep doing positive things for the relationship and for each other.
How do we practice appreciation?

1) Become intentional about focusing on what is right rather than what is wrong. Learn to focus your attention on what is present rather than what is lacking. Train your brain to scan your day for what is going right.
2) Create practices to make it habit. Inspiration wears out. Consider a simple practice can you can ritualize. For example, you can start and end your day with an appreciation, or express it at mealtimes. In order to get the full benefits of appreciation for your relationship, you have to both feel it and express it. To work effectively, it needs to be consistent. You can express appreciation through a note, text, email or spoken word.
3) To develop a culture of appreciation, we can encourage others to appreciate us by receiving compliments more graciously. We can practice simply saying thank you and shut up. We don’t have to give it right back or argue with the appreciation (which makes them feel silly and stupid). This ruins the gift of appreciation and offends the giver!
Latest research suggests that when one person gives a compliment and the other receives it graciously, it raises the serotonin level in both human beings – it physiologically changes the brain of both people for the better. Pretty cool, right?

So go on, challenge yourself to develop a practice and habit of appreciation and enjoy the experience of your relationships flourishing!

Supporting a Family Member Trough a Mental Illness



Mental illness affects the whole family and yet many family members are completely unprepared for dealing with the effects on the family and often do not know how to best support their loved ones through this challenge.

In this session, we offer basic guidance on recognizing mental illness, what to do and how to recognize the limits of your abilities. 

Sign up for #DailyWisdom – inspiration to support you in living the best version of yourself! 

https://www.familyconnectionsacademy.com/p/dailywisdoms

 

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Habits of Highly Effective Communicators



Sometimes despite our best efforts what we want to say does not transfer to the listener. The impact of our communication is very different from what we intended.

What does good communication look like?

How do we develop good communication skills? 

We discuss these and many other questions in this live session.

Recording of a live session in Orlando for Doctors and Medical Students on Communication Skills 

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Parenting to Raising Happy Kids



Parents today are more concerned than ever about raising children who are happy and well adjusted. Yet the stats show that mental and emotional wellbeing amongst youth is at an all time low, at least in North America.

So what are we doing wrong? Why are our well-meaning strategies having the opposite effect of what we intend for our children?

We answer these and other questions in this recording from a live presentation.

Here is the link to download the slide deck that goes with the audio file:

https://www.marziahassan.org/p/opt-in-raising-happy-kids

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Spiritual Prime Time

As we are in the midst of “Spiritual Prime Time”, with Ramadan just around the corner, many of us are beginning to turn our attention towards self growth and character development. In this quick post, I am just sharing some reflections on various aspects of self development, from lectures over the last few years. You may want to listen to all or some of them to get some tips and suggestions on how to start working on a particular aspect of self development.

Controlling our anger
Do you find that your temper gets in the way of maintaining good family relationships? Do you find yourself focusing on the challenging aspects of other’s personalities? Here are some suggestions to manage anger so that it does not get in the way of great family relationships.
http://traffic.libsyn.com/marziahassan/Restraining_Anger_and_Maintaining_Family_Relations_091015_001.mp3

Self Control
This episode talks about what is self control, why is it important and discusses how we can strengthen our self control muscles
http://traffic.libsyn.com/marziahassan/Developing_Self_Control.mp3

Gratitude
This episode explores Imam Ghazzali’s explanations of ‪#gratitude‬. What is gratitude exactly? Is it enough to feel thankful because you got what you wanted?
http://traffic.libsyn.com/marziahassan/20131025_133426_1.m4a

Self Knowledge
Leading up to Ramadaan, I will inshallah try and upload some sessions on self development. Here is one from a live session in 2009. It introduces the concept of self knowledge and briefly covers the steps to getting to know ourselves

Contentment
Part 6 in the series on Dua Kumayl talks about contentment, why it is so challenging to be contented in modern times, and how to cultivate contentment. We also cover the steps to self-transformation in this lecture.
http://traffic.libsyn.com/marziahassan/Transforming_ourselves_with_Dua_Kumayl_6.mp3

Humility
In this lecture in the series on Dua Kumayl, we explore the concept of humility before Allah swt and humility with people. The Dua itself is an excellent example of how an abd of Allah is to adopt a position of humility and yet have an intimate relationship with His Lord. We then examine what humility looks like and explore practical strategies to cultivate humility within our hearts.
http://traffic.libsyn.com/marziahassan/Transforming_ourselves_through_Dua_Kumayl_7.mp3